BRAVE Learning

“My workout is getting better and wiser in spite of / because of my pain.”

“They are doing really well in sales this year in spite of / because of lack of resources before the merger.”

“I smile, joke and enjoy my time with my friends in spite of / because of what I might come home to.”

“She decided to help me in spite of / because of the effort it would require of her.”

Change one phrase for another, and the perspective changes. The reasons, motivations, excuses for (in)action shift in and out of focus. The places you come from look different – so do the places you’re going. The people in the sentences – including yourself – are seen in a different light.

This won’t work every time: the results will sound cheesy, fake, or too gloomy and fatalistic. Your job, when faced with a “despite,” is to figure out what would happen if “because” took its place – and vice versa.

This is a difficult post to write. The stories are hard to process. The questions are not easy when asked, and when answers come, they aren’t simple either. How does life coaching deal with depression? And should a life coach help depressed clients?

Depression costs lives. People with depression need to be helped. It’s not the job of a life coach: successful coaching will probably help you function in many areas of your life, even with depression present – but it must not be treated as a substitute for specialist care, therapy, medication. The best thing you can hear from your coach about depression is: “speak to your doctor as soon as it’s possible. Then come back and we’ll work on.”

This blog is a part of a bigger story: the conversation we should be having about what’s going on in our heads. I want to give you four stories, and four questions, that will help you think about depression – something happening in your life, perhaps, or something happening to the dear ones around you.

Story one: Chimamanda Adichie’s recent article on depression. This is strong writing coming from a strong person – describing the ideas we have about depressive states, creativity and therapy. I care about Adichie’s writing and was impressed to hear her speak – now I’m inspired by her honesty here as well.

Story two: “Hyperbole and a half” and the depression series. There are two parts of this story: the first one describes the onset of the author’s illness, the second one – the process of coping. “Hyperbole…” was a favourite for me and my wife – becoming an absolute classic with these two tales. Again, the link between creating and suffering from depression is explored – but so is everyday life.

Story three: learning languages to deal with depression. This is doubly close to my interests: my passion for language learning is a non-stop affair. I was grateful to read this honest account of why language learning matters – and how it becomes important for those who learn.

Story four: Kevin Breel on TED. There are many videos of speakers detailing their fight with depression. I’m picking this one for its intensity. It’s filmed at a TEDxKids event – the connection between the 19-year-old speaker and his audience must have been intense. Kevin was not afraid to speak about how stigma-ridden, hard and unwelcome the depression discourse is – especially for young Americans.

So what can be done about it? Here are 4 questions to get you started on your way to your own answers.

Question one: What’s the story you tell yourself? If you’re suffering from depression, how do you make sense of it? What do you admit, what do you deny, what words / tone / symbols do you use? Does it help to write it down? And if depression is around you rather than in your own life – what do you make of it? How do you respond, where do you place it?

Question two: What’s the bigger story around you? In different countries and different cultures, the discourse around mental hygiene will vary. It’s enough to compare the four stories above to see that. So where does your story fit in the bigger picture? Do you hear helpful voices? Are you heard when you speak out?

Question three: Who are you going to talk to? This is where it gets practical – and, as such, harder. If you are the one seeking help – where will you go? Who will you confide in? How can this become a conversation – not a muted, persistent whisper? And if you’re the one giving help – where can you make a difference? Who is the person you will help first?

Question four: What do you want to happen next? There’s a reason this one is last. In depression, this question may seem almost impossible to answer in any constructive way. The first question of a great mental health helpline is: “do you have a crisis plan?” What’s the next thing you want, then? How can you get one step closer to achieving this?

IF YOU NEED HELP NOW

I prepared a one-page PDF guide for crisis situations. It’s free to use. It will sit in the top-left corner of the menu above the blog. It directs you quickly to places where you can talk to someone – on the phone or online, anonymously and from all around the world. Feel free to share it with anyone who may need it.

January is over, and so are many resolutions we made before it started. Fortunately, a lot of new habits are also formed (I’m lucky enough to see a few good changes happening around me, and to try them out myself). So what is it that really changes when we work on a habit? And should we really try to coach, develop or focus on just one habit at once?

1. The power of focus – why life coaching focuses on a single task

This should be good advice, and yet often you and I forget that: don’t try to change the whole world at once. Focus on one positive change and on what it means to you. That way, you will find out the goal you’re aiming for – and the best way to reach it. And that way, you’ll only have to worry about one thing. The question on my mind when I’m working on something these days is “will this get me closer to my dream for 2015?” – and if the answer is “no,” then I think twice about how busy I want to be when doing it. One goal, one vision, one focus. Leo Babauta can teach you more about this than I ever will, and I’m grateful I found him online.
However…

2. The power of “ecology” in life coach work – what is around your goal?

Focusing on just one thing should be easy. But it’s not. There is never “just one thing” for 99% of us, 99% of the time. Example: you want to quit smoking, that’s your goal. Great. But the side effects are: cravings, weight control, anger management, and the whole environment around your former bad habit. You can read more on why this matters – and how what’s around you can affect what you do.
For now, let’s agree on one thing: whether you work with a life coach or you do it alone, there’s never just one habit you will deal with – never just one change. Everything you do will affect somebody, make a part of your life different. That is how you can decide if a goal is worth pursuing, and good coaching will check the “ecology” of your goal: are you doing more good than harm?

3. The ecology of habits: what else are you changing by making just one change?

Your habit of staying away from smoking connects with your habit of drinking more water.

Your quest to speak more Spanish leads to an unexpected mission of becoming more outgoing and networking with a purpose.

By deciding to stick to a budget, you pick up an Excel-learning odyssey (without much choice but with surprising amount of joy).

There are many changes you make, every time you make just one change.

I prepared a worksheet for you on the BRAVE Academy. it deals with just that: imagining and describing a range of habits and changes. If you’re a member of the Academy, download it now – if you’re not, the best way to become one is to start your coaching today!