Month: February 2015

After a few start-then-stop attempts and several good streaks, last night as I took off my headphones and checked into Coach.me I realized one thing. It’s been six weeks since I decided to spend 10 minutes every evening on meditation – and during these six weeks, I didn’t miss one evening. I started thinking about changes it helped me achieve. Whether you’re coaching or coached, meditation will do things to you: here’s what it did to me.

(If you’re keen to start straight away, scroll to the bottom of this post for a link to a kick-start worksheet)

Please note: your results will vary. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable doing. Don’t do stupid things either: drivers and crane operators, think twice before meditating on duty, etc. This is a personal account: check with your doctors/dear ones for possible results of anything you’re likely to start doing.

1. Everything you read is probably right…

Seth Godin was right about deciding to do things daily. Tara Stiles was right about the “space that opens up” with every breath when you meditate. Countless articles about sitting down and breathing – Leo Babauta‘s, everyone else’s – they were all correct. Unless you read some super-advanced or super-cosmic stuff, the research about meditation checks out. And yet…

2. …And yet it’s all a lot more personal

The best way to describe a good 10-minute meditation session came to my mind just after I got up from my mat and untangled myself from the blanket, halfway through January: it’s like giving yourself a nice big hug. This is not really something you read in every single research paper on mindfulness. But this is exactly the reason why I’d recommend people to try this at least a few times. You may not live forever, or improve your memory, or achieve any of the remarkable benefits attributed to those who meditate. But you will get your own feel-good moments. Mine were self-inflicted hugs, and that’s good enough for me.
Speaking of good sessions: let’s clarify two things next.

3. I absolutely, positively suck at meditation sometimes…

Three coffees down the hatch. Then delicious dinner with wine and great company. Then an hour-long performance which was like nothing I’d seen before – and a pretty crowded Tube ride home before I start preparing for the business trip the following morning. In the midst of it, a ten-minute sliver of time in which I sit an breathe.
You’d be forgiven for thinking this was not the most enlightening moments of transcendent focus ever. No sir. It was most likely a break in a hectic day, a chance to see where my ideas are going and to put it all on hold before I get ready to sleep.
These days will happen, and I am well aware of that. What you expect from a Londoner on a Friday evening will be different than the kind of performance to expect from a buddhist monk on a lonely summer night.
But that’s not the whole story.

4. …But I’m in it for the long run

Every one of these forty-something sessions was at least 10 minutes long. This means well over 400 minutes in the course of six weeks. It means that I had a chance, every day, to do something relaxing and refreshing for ten minutes. And that every day I took this chance.
Not every session left me feeling happier and more energized. But I realize that day after day these minutes add up. And that the habit which now is beginning to form will be one of the best things that happens to me. So instead of kicking myself over not being focused enough on a Friday night, I’d just smile and remember the little changes, and the long haul – there’s no way I’m stopping now.

5. Meditation won’t improve the life you have…

Six weeks ago, I was a young guy with lots of ideas, living in a monstrously big city and working on several things at once. I drank plenty of coffee and tried to find enough energy to do things which excited me. I had my problems, my worries and my little victories.
After six weeks of meditation – surprise surprise, drum roll please – I am exactly the same kind of guy.
This is one thing worth mentioning. Meditation won’t change your life forever. If you ask an over-achieving businesswoman to take ten minutes out of her schedule to meditate, she will still have a hell of a schedule each side of this break. If you’re in debt, you’ll still be in debt when you start meditating.
So what’s the use?

6. …But it can help you notice how things can move around

Here’s the use I found for meditation.
Because my thoughts tended to flow super wildly in the evening, I found it easier to write stuff down just before I sat down to focus. So the meditation habit quickly connected with the diary-writing habit. And once I noticed I’m doing that, I became less worried about losing an idea – since they tended to pop into my head when writing the pre-meditation diary.
Since my meditation is in the evening, I now think more carefully about what else I’ve got planned for the night. Usually I take care to sort things out online and around the house before I sit down. This makes it easier to focus without remembering something I forgot to do. And this, in turn, means more time in the morning and less rush.
It’s a habit, just like any other. You are taught and advised (sagely) to work on one habit at a time. This makes sense – but the habit will never work in isolation.
Meditating allowed me to see how other things connect, and to figure out how to move the connections in the right direction.

BONUS: Meditation kickstart resource list

BRAVE Academy now has a resource list which will help you kick-start your meditation habit. Check it out for a quick and easy way to start. Hope you enjoy it!

“My workout is getting better and wiser in spite of / because of my pain.”

“They are doing really well in sales this year in spite of / because of lack of resources before the merger.”

“I smile, joke and enjoy my time with my friends in spite of / because of what I might come home to.”

“She decided to help me in spite of / because of the effort it would require of her.”

Change one phrase for another, and the perspective changes. The reasons, motivations, excuses for (in)action shift in and out of focus. The places you come from look different – so do the places you’re going. The people in the sentences – including yourself – are seen in a different light.

This won’t work every time: the results will sound cheesy, fake, or too gloomy and fatalistic. Your job, when faced with a “despite,” is to figure out what would happen if “because” took its place – and vice versa.

This is a difficult post to write. The stories are hard to process. The questions are not easy when asked, and when answers come, they aren’t simple either. How does life coaching deal with depression? And should a life coach help depressed clients?

Depression costs lives. People with depression need to be helped. It’s not the job of a life coach: successful coaching will probably help you function in many areas of your life, even with depression present – but it must not be treated as a substitute for specialist care, therapy, medication. The best thing you can hear from your coach about depression is: “speak to your doctor as soon as it’s possible. Then come back and we’ll work on.”

This blog is a part of a bigger story: the conversation we should be having about what’s going on in our heads. I want to give you four stories, and four questions, that will help you think about depression – something happening in your life, perhaps, or something happening to the dear ones around you.

Story one: Chimamanda Adichie’s recent article on depression. This is strong writing coming from a strong person – describing the ideas we have about depressive states, creativity and therapy. I care about Adichie’s writing and was impressed to hear her speak – now I’m inspired by her honesty here as well.

Story two: “Hyperbole and a half” and the depression series. There are two parts of this story: the first one describes the onset of the author’s illness, the second one – the process of coping. “Hyperbole…” was a favourite for me and my wife – becoming an absolute classic with these two tales. Again, the link between creating and suffering from depression is explored – but so is everyday life.

Story three: learning languages to deal with depression. This is doubly close to my interests: my passion for language learning is a non-stop affair. I was grateful to read this honest account of why language learning matters – and how it becomes important for those who learn.

Story four: Kevin Breel on TED. There are many videos of speakers detailing their fight with depression. I’m picking this one for its intensity. It’s filmed at a TEDxKids event – the connection between the 19-year-old speaker and his audience must have been intense. Kevin was not afraid to speak about how stigma-ridden, hard and unwelcome the depression discourse is – especially for young Americans.

So what can be done about it? Here are 4 questions to get you started on your way to your own answers.

Question one: What’s the story you tell yourself? If you’re suffering from depression, how do you make sense of it? What do you admit, what do you deny, what words / tone / symbols do you use? Does it help to write it down? And if depression is around you rather than in your own life – what do you make of it? How do you respond, where do you place it?

Question two: What’s the bigger story around you? In different countries and different cultures, the discourse around mental hygiene will vary. It’s enough to compare the four stories above to see that. So where does your story fit in the bigger picture? Do you hear helpful voices? Are you heard when you speak out?

Question three: Who are you going to talk to? This is where it gets practical – and, as such, harder. If you are the one seeking help – where will you go? Who will you confide in? How can this become a conversation – not a muted, persistent whisper? And if you’re the one giving help – where can you make a difference? Who is the person you will help first?

Question four: What do you want to happen next? There’s a reason this one is last. In depression, this question may seem almost impossible to answer in any constructive way. The first question of a great mental health helpline is: “do you have a crisis plan?” What’s the next thing you want, then? How can you get one step closer to achieving this?

IF YOU NEED HELP NOW

I prepared a one-page PDF guide for crisis situations. It’s free to use. It will sit in the top-left corner of the menu above the blog. It directs you quickly to places where you can talk to someone – on the phone or online, anonymously and from all around the world. Feel free to share it with anyone who may need it.